And then,… it wasn’t.
We made it back to my mom’s house by mid-afternoon, the kid and me. It was ridiculously hot, and there was nothing we could do outside,… at all,…. Except for the fact that Grammy—that’s what my kid calls her—has a pool.
How can you live in Florida and not have a pool? It’s beyond fucking hot down here. Seriously, it’s like walking on the surface of the sun. Imagine the biggest fucking parking lot you’ve ever seen. I mean like thirty-square-miles of parking lot. And the only space you can find is right in the middle of the lot. (I don’t know, you got a late start,…. It’s Christmas season,…. Whatever)…. You gotta park in the middle of this huge fucking parking lot and walk to wherever it is you came for that has this huge parking lot. (Who’s stupid enough to do this, John?.... Uh, anyone who’s ever been to Disney World,… or Six Flags,… or the annual AVN Porn Convention.) Then imagine they turn the heat up to eleven…. That’s fucking Florida in June. You literally walk to the street corner to get a newspaper and you need a fucking nap.
So we went in the pool. Of course we did. Oh,… and we made plans to go to the Stoneweood Tavern and Grill for dinner. Mom had left us a gift card she had received as a Christmas gift, so dinner would be on Grammy. (Why ain’t you used the gift card in six months, Grammy?)
So,… as we’re about to get in the pool, the daughter asks me if she can bring her laptop onto the patio,… she wanted to listen to her music.
It’s funny stuff: time and space and music and the relational quality of their intersections. To this day I can tell you that the most emotionally evocative thing in the world that can snap me the fuck back— to another place when I was another person—is music. If you play “Kiss on my List” by Hall and Oates, I’m at the skating rink in eighth grade,…. If you play “Luka” by Suzanne Vega, I’m driving to my summer job at the Operations Center for Barnett Bank in 1987,…. If you play “Let’s Go” by Wang Chung, I’m heading for Crescent Beach in Zippy’s passenger seat going seventy-miles-an-hour with a six pack of Miller High Life in my lap catching about sixty feet of air when we hit that fucking train crossing near Starke (and, by the way, Zippy wasn’t supposed to be the dude’s name—his name was Dave—Zippy was the name of the stupid Ford Fiesta,… but I’m the only guy that remembers that, right Zippy?),…. If you play “Girls, Girls, Girls” by Mӧtley Crüe, I’m at ANY strip club on the ENTIRE west coast of Florida from 1988 to 2003.
So, my kid,… who used to be a smaller kid,… had to sit in the kid’s car seat in the back of the car (you know,… when she was smaller). And resultantly, she had to listen to the music that I would play (her little fucking baby arms couldn’t reach the stereo from all the way back there,… stupid little baby arms)…. Anyway, the point is that she had no choice but to be subjected to what I was listening to…. Indigo Girls,… Duncan Sheik,… Fiona Apple,… Grateful Dead,… The Jayhawks,… The Smiths,… fucking kid should have gone on strike!
And then, a funny thing happened (actually, it’s not that funny, it entails me getting fucking old),… she grew up,… and started listening to music that SHE liked,….
And then,… she grew up so much that she got to move up to the front seat,… and she didn’t have little fucking baby arms anymore,… she had full-grown fucking big-kid arms. She could reach that god damn stereo now. She could insert CDs,… she could change stations,… she could adjust volume,… and she was MY kid,…. Something inside of you dies a little bit when you reach a milestone like that,… your kid is getting older,… your mortality stares you in the face a little more threateningly,… you just LOST YOUR FUCKING STEREO, MOTHERFUCKER!
So,… then I listened to what SHE listened to…. And,… strangely enough,… I liked most of it.
She turned me on to some really great stuff,… Fall Out Boy (I don’t care what you say, they didn’t sell out), Motion City Soundtrack, Matt Pond PA, The Higher…. Circle of Life, indeed, bitches.
Meanwhile,… back at my mom’s,… the kid wanted to put her music on while we fought off the blistering heat in the pool,…. Ah, what the hell, I was just going to watch a baseball game anyway. I could do that without the sound, right? Don’t need sound to count from zero strikes to three, do I? What am I, an asshole?.... Don’t answer that.
“Go ahead.”
“Thanks,” she said. (Did I mention that she’s polite?)
And she put on Say Anything,… oh my god, do these guys suck!... Five minutes in, and I can’t take it anymore. “Anything else?”
And she puts on Of Montreal,… oh my god, are these fucking guys possibly worse?.... Why, yes,… yes they are! “Killing me, kid! Gotta find something else!”
MGMT.
Vampire Weekend.
Passion Pit.
And that’s why I killed all the neighbors on the block, your honor.
The truth is, it wasn’t all that bad. I had gotten through the relative trauma of the day. I had my daughter with me. We were going to have a nice dinner…. And, she wanted to watch a movie with her old stupid dad that night. I told you before about the tremendous collection of DVDs my mother has,…. I mean, she was as good as Blockbuster (of course, they’re going out of business, so mom ain’t all that shit).
We figured out that she had never seen “Primal Fear” with Richard Gere and Edward Norton,… (Jesus Christ, Marty,… if that’s what you think, I am disappointed in you,…. There never was an Aaron, counselor.). So we sat there in the living room watching the movie and drinking IBC Root Beer.
Ten-thirty rolled around. I took my crazy pill.
Three days without drinking. I let the kid have the master bedroom,…. The truth is, I wanted the room with the cool Brookstone ambient sound machine.
And then,… she stuck her head in the room,…. “Daddy,… and it’s fine if you say no,… but I was wondering if my friend could come down here and hang out with me,… with us, I mean,… just until we go home on Wednesday,…. Her mom is out of town, and she’s at her house all by herself, and,….”
Another kid? Not just me and you, baby?.... “No problem, kiddo.”
“Thanks, Daddy,…. I love you.”
She should have added, “even though I make you listen to shit music.”
I eventually fell asleep.
I didn’t dream at all that night.
Next Time,…. I’ve Seen Blue Skies Through the Tears in my Eyes. And I Realize,….
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